{"id":49214,"date":"2024-08-30T13:57:00","date_gmt":"2024-08-30T17:57:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/lakelandgazette.info\/news\/?p=49214"},"modified":"2024-08-30T13:57:06","modified_gmt":"2024-08-30T17:57:06","slug":"calvary-chapel-pastor-shocked-to-learn-there-are-books-in-the-bible-other-than-revelation","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lakelandgazette.info\/news\/2024\/08\/30\/calvary-chapel-pastor-shocked-to-learn-there-are-books-in-the-bible-other-than-revelation\/","title":{"rendered":"Calvary Chapel Pastor Shocked To Learn There Are Books in the Bible Other Than Revelation"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By BabylonBee\u00a0\u00a0 SATIRE<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The pastor of a local Calvary Chapel reportedly took a leave of absence this week after being shocked to learn there are books in the Bible other than Revelation.<\/p>\n\n\n

\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n

Witnesses claimed they first knew something was wrong when, halfway through a sermon about how the mark of the Beast was probably a microchip, Pastor Bill Davis lost his composure and started frantically flipping through his Bible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“Whoa! How did I miss all this?” Davis reportedly said before abruptly ending the sermon.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“Uh, love each other,” he said. Then, he closed his Bible and quickly left the altar, leaving the praise team to fill in the gap.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

According to sources, Davis suffered an existential crisis. He later recounted his experience with the community: “So there I was, preaching about the end times when suddenly I noticed a little note in the margins of my Bible that directed me to the twelfth chapter of some book called Luke. And I was like, ‘Luke? What’s that?'”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pastor Davis reportedly asked for a sabbatical the following day. “I was shocked to my very core,” he said in a statement. “I’ve got to read this thing!”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Associate Pastor John Wheeler filled in the following Sunday, delivering a lesson about the rapture. “I don’t know what Bill is talking about,” he said. “I’m pretty sure everything before Revelation is legalese and the table of contents and stuff.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

At publishing time, Pastor Davis was excited to learn there was a book called Exodus from which the film The Prince of Egypt was adapted. “I thought that was just a made-up story. I guess Val Kilmer really was Moses!”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By BabylonBee\u00a0\u00a0 SATIRE The pastor of a local Calvary Chapel reportedly took a leave of absence this week after being shocked to learn there are books in the Bible other… <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":49215,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","_seopress_robots_follow":"","_seopress_robots_imageindex":"","_seopress_robots_snippet":"","_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"2621","_seopress_robots_breadcrumbs":"","_seopress_robots_freeze_modified_date":"","_seopress_robots_custom_modified_date":"","_seopress_robots_canonical":"","_seopress_social_fb_title":"","_seopress_social_fb_desc":"","_seopress_social_fb_img":"","_seopress_social_fb_img_attachment_id":0,"_seopress_social_fb_img_width":0,"_seopress_social_fb_img_height":0,"_seopress_social_twitter_title":"","_seopress_social_twitter_desc":"","_seopress_social_twitter_img":"","_seopress_social_twitter_img_attachment_id":0,"_seopress_social_twitter_img_width":0,"_seopress_social_twitter_img_height":0,"_seopress_redirections_value":"","_seopress_redirections_enabled":"","_seopress_redirections_enabled_regex":"","_seopress_redirections_logged_status":"","_seopress_redirections_param":"","_seopress_redirections_type":0,"_seopress_analysis_target_kw":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"wpai_generated_summary":"","footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"dois","default_image_id":71799,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"_wpas_customize_per_network":false},"categories":[2621],"tags":[9596],"class_list":["post-49214","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-satire","tag-calvary-chapel-pastor-shocked-to-learn-there-are-books-in-the-bible-other-than-revelation"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lakelandgazette.info\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/49214","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lakelandgazette.info\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lakelandgazette.info\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lakelandgazette.info\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lakelandgazette.info\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=49214"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/lakelandgazette.info\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/49214\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":49216,"href":"https:\/\/lakelandgazette.info\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/49214\/revisions\/49216"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lakelandgazette.info\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/49215"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lakelandgazette.info\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=49214"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lakelandgazette.info\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=49214"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lakelandgazette.info\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=49214"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}