Written by Swan City News Satire
After a recent City Commission decision to deny a proposed bar/event space in Lakeland, jaywalking has become much more important to the City, FDOT, and Protestants in Lakeland.
The proposed event space/bar was built in 1964 as a chapel serving a neighboring funeral home, which was then taken over by the Freely Forgiven Community Church until closing its doors in 2017.
After working with the owners and contemplating issuing permits for The Chapel, the City of Lakeland conferred with City Chaplain Enid McMurray and ultimately voted to assemble a Walking Task Force (WTF) to research potential jaywalking risks beyond Downtown Lakeland to “hopefully save hundreds of lives and souls.”
The Lakeland Police Department offered to commit an additional golf cart patrol vehicle. When contacted, LPD representatives were unavailable for comment as they were currently responding to a pedestrian leaving a downtown venue within 400 feet of a church at 3:42 a.m. as they attempted to cross Kentucky Ave. to get to their vehicle. The LDDA further offered assistance by providing a second unarmed security guard to serve as backup to LPD on jaywalking calls during the duration of the study. LDDA director Laurinda Bruce commented that “we at the LDDA are committed to the safety and enjoyment of our downtown area. Until recently, we were unaware of the concerns around the imminent risks to societal breakdown that jaywalking causes.”
Swan City News correspondent Emil Terrell’s public records request found that jaywalking has not been enforced in Downtown Lakeland on intoxicated late nighters, lunch patrons, or both, for over 20 years.
When petitioned for comment, city staffer Santina Brownlee said “Our focus is on adding games and installing a massive carousel in Munn Park as a means to cultivate business within the City.”
After multiple attempts to contact the owners of The Chapel, our correspondent was repeatedly told that they were participating in their daily prayer. They did, however, encourage us to join them for bottomless communion wine at their location every Sunday regardless of the Commission’s vote.
Please check back for updates as this story is still developing.