Written by Swan City News – Satire
The perceived parking shortage in downtown Lakeland may soon be a thing of the past. But will the solution be too bitter a pill to swallow for patrons of the thriving heart of our city? From the center of Munn Park, Lakeland Downtown Development Authority Director Brandt Willer tearfully passed out voting ballots that will decide which 30 businesses will be demolished and converted to surface parking lots. “It pains me to do this, but it has become clear that Lakelanders will not be satisfied until they can be guaranteed a parking space no more than 15 feet from their destination.”
A young woman reviewing the ballot gave Brandt an earful as she yelled, “They better not even think about tearing down my Hookah Palace!”. An elderly gentleman was later seen giving Willer an uncomfortably long hug as he expressed his excitement over “the tide finally turning against the rampant and unchecked growth in Lakeland that is RUINING EVERYTHING!”
Disruptions to parking availability during construction will be offset by The City renting back their own subsidized parking spaces from Catapult, Summit, and Heritage Plaza.
Downtown Lakeland is being DESTROYED by the Mayor who is receiving KICKBACKS! As such extends to the City Commissioners!
RINO HELL!!!!
LAKELAND IS FULL OF MARXISTS AND RINOS!
You should check the mail in ballots because Saga really won and NONE OF THIS WOULD BE HAPPENING!
Oh yes.. destroying the lives of small businesses is amazing so we can park and shop nowhere because 30 small businesses are DESTROYED AND GONE FOREVER!
Does this make any sense?!
Mutz and his cronies are thieves and communists!
Killing downtown Lakeland is their end game and they are succeeding!
FIGHT!!!!!
They expanded sidewalks and took away parking, then they took away lanes on Florida Ave with cement blobs….now, destroy 30 businesses and put in a parking lot!
How about they DESTROY CITY HALL AND MAKE A PARKING LOT!!! They can work from home!!!!
Oh yes.. destroying the lives of small businesses is amazing so we can park and shop nowhere because 30 small businesses are DESTROYED AND GONE FOREVER!
Does this make any sense?!
Mutz and his cronies are thieves and communists!
Killing downtown Lakeland is their end game and they are succeeding!
FIGHT!!!!!
They expanded sidewalks and took away parking, then they took away lanes on Florida Ave with cement blobs….now, destroy 30 businesses and put in a parking lot!
How about they DESTROY CITY HALL AND MAKE A PARKING LOT!!! They can work from home!!!!
SWAN DIVE is a SATIRE. . SARCASM at its finest! This first article is hilarious and yet not too far fetched! The mayor is taking away more parking! That is true.