Satire by Swan City News
During his first evening patrolling a peaceful downtown, private armed security guard Barney Rife found himself on the wrong side of the law Thursday night.
A witness said Mr. Rife was patrolling Munn Park and other downtown venues before being spotted panhandling and moving southbound on Kentucky Avenue in an aggressive manner. This suspicious behavior prompted some concerned citizens to contact law enforcement.
Upon LPD’s arrival, Officer Jensen noticed Mr. Rife casually standing in front of Palace Pizza with a distinct odor of multiple cheeses and meats emanating from his person. After a brief interrogation, Mr. Rife admitted to leaving his assigned patrol area to “snag a quick slice” to help get him through, what was expected to be, a very active and dangerous night. He was then charged with loitering and criminal trespass.
When reached for comment, LDDA spokesperson Griffin O’Connor told Swan City News that “Mr. Rife was well trained and trusted within the community to secure the downtown area with his trusty six-shooter. The LDDA was unaware of his penchant for soliciting funds from the public in order to satisfy his cravings. We, at the LDDA, vow to beef up our screening process for future armed guards.”
Mr. Rife has been placed on paid administrative leave pending toxicology and mixology tests, leaving downtown Lakeland in unarmed, unsupervised danger once again.
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