County Commission endorses “Santa Claus” strategy to address waste collection catastrophe

Written by Swan City News – Satire

Could it be that FCC Environmental is making a list and checking it twice?  That seems to have crossed the mind of some members of the County Commission as they struggle to find a solution to the abysmal performance of the county’s waste removal contractor. 

At a recent commission agenda review meeting, an exasperated Commissioner Will Passwell explained, “We gave them a 30-day ultimatum.  They improved a bit but now they’re doing about as well as a one-legged man at an ass-kicking contest.  I’m madder than a pissed-on chicken and we’ve got to figure out what can be done to get this company to do the job we’re paying them to do.  We must put an end to this debacle of dross!”

At the conclusion of a closed door session that violated no less than eight statutes related to the Sunshine Law, the Commission issued the following statement: “We evaluated the high rate of delivery success achieved by Santa Claus year after year and sought to determine the primary driver that incentivizes him to fulfill his annual obligation with such a high degree of accuracy and efficiency.   We are hereby recommending that each household in unincorporated Polk County begin leaving out milk and cookies on their scheduled collection day.  We have analyzed this from every angle and believe our logic and conclusion to be unassailable.”